SPEM Health - Life In Balance

 

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"A Balanced Life of Mutual Respect"

by Joseph Robinson, Jr.

 

In a time when civility seems to have become a relic of the past, especially during past political elections,

a revisiting of what was once commonly understood is required. In 1979, Robert Fulghum authored

a book titled, “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.”

He reminded us of 16 basic principles and behaviors many of us learned long ago.

For my purposes today I draw attention to: just seven of his principles:

1. Share Everything

2. Play Fair

3.Don’t hit people

4. Put things back where you found them

5. Clean up your own mess

6. Don’t take things that aren’t yours

7. Wash your hands before you eat

 

As fully grown adults we look at these simple principles, convinced we have not only grasped them, but have practiced them daily. They make such common sense that you probably wonder why I bother taking up space mentioning them. Well, as I heard someone insightfully state, “Common sense is a flower that does not grow in everyone’s garden.”

When discussing boundaries in the context of Fulghum reminders, it is important to note that in each of the seven listed, it requires the reader to defer to the person(s) they are engaging, placing the needs of the person(s) above their own. For example, to share everything requires an unselfish attitude that starts with the premise that what I have acquired through thriftiness, inheritance, hard work, luck, or all the above, is not to be hoarded, but willfully and intentionally shared with those within my sphere of influence. Recalling the parable of the Good Samaritan as told by Jesus in response to one in the crowd, after hearing he was to love his neighbor as himself, asked “Who then is my neighbor?” Jesus then told of a certain Jewish man who was assaulted on the Jericho road and left for dead. Both a Rabbi and a publican steered clear of the injured man and passed by him. Conversely, a Samaritan, despised by the Jews, stopped to bandage the man, took him to shelter and paid for his room and board until the man was healed. Jesus then replied, “Which of these 3 men proved themselves to be a neighbor?” Sharing out of our abundance is the greatest act of humanity.

 

Playing fair should not require a lot of discussion. Yet, all around us we see examples of disparate treatment and a win-at-all-cost attitude. If others are hurt in the wake, it is dismissed as collateral damage. As Fulghum‘s reminder suggests, you can’t claim to respect the boundaries of others while insisting on taking unfair advantage of them. When we use an advantage over an ally, we place their space, their boundaries, their rights, secondary to our desires.

 

Hitting someone is an indefensible violation of another’s space and boundary. Clearly at the kindergarten level Fulghum is contending that we should never initiate violence against a fellow student. His focus is not on self-defense, but on unwarranted, unprovoked aggression towards another. In grade school such unprovoked aggression is called bullying. Due to social media, however, bullying is no longer restricted to physical assault, but also verbal and emotional assault of someone who is defenseless and vulnerable. This latter form of assault can often be more devastating because the attack carried out through social media lives on indefinitely. Those who use this medium are making a conscious decision to disrespect the boundaries of their victim. 

 

I am a creature of habit and believe that there is a “place for everything,” so much that there is rarely a time that I “can’t find my keys.” I always place them in the same location, daily. One of several challenges living with others is that, when they disturb items belonging to you, they don’t always put them back where they found them. While some may consider you anal retentive for your insistence, they discount your irritation because your system doesn’t hold the same value for them. So, if you know persons around you who consistently place things in a certain place or orientation, try to see it from their vantage point and comply to the best of your ability. Remember, when trying to live in a way that truly respects others, it becomes a small thing for you to defer and try and conform to the peculiarities of those around you.

 

Whether coming home from work to a disheveled house, inspecting the bedroom of your child, cleaning dishes left in the sink (at home or the office), picking up litter in your neighborhood, settling a dispute that never should have been, the inclination is to cry out in a loud voice, clean up your own mess. In each of these scenarios, not only was someone inconsiderate or lazy, but they failed to respect the boundaries of others when they left a situation caused by them, unresolved.

 

Whether it’s outright thievery or an extended borrowing, whenever we take things that are not ours, without permission, we violate the rights of another and assert by our actions that our present need supersedes asking their permission. When teaching a course at a local college, I recall needing to secure whiteboard markers in an emergency. None of my colleagues were in their offices, so I helped myself to the markers. However, I took the time to leave a note informing them of my actions and when they could expect to have their markers returned. Ideally, the best approach would have been to ask directly, but in their absence I did the next best thing.

 

I can remember, as an adult, when visiting my late-mother, Doreather Robinson, in her home, it was always a treat to enter her kitchen to see what she may have prepared for the day. Invariably, she would caution with, “Have you washed your hands?” This woman birthed me and loves me unconditionally, but good hygiene is essential to the well being of both her and I. This is why there is so much emphasis on hand sanitizer in public places; it’s for the collective benefit of everyone. One related application applies to the handling of food around others. Sometimes, food may be sincerely offered to you by a friend, relative or coworker. However, instead of allowing you to retrieve the item, they take the liberty of handing it to you with an ungloved hand. Now, if you have that kind of relationship where food is routinely handled this way among you and others, then there is no harm. However, unless you’ve been given permission to handle another’s food item, it’s best to allow them to retrieve it themselves from the platter, the box, the tray, the pot or container.

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There are liberties in a home relationship that do no transfer and carry over to the work place. Do not expect co-workers to share the same values that exist in your home.

 

Parents must embrace the fact that as children become adults, they need and demand space to find their own way. The best help you can provide is to keep the doors of communication open so they are comfortable coming to you for advice and counsel when needed. My daughter just married several years ago. Prior to this, I and her mother often gave her unsolicited financial management advice, based upon our years of experience. However, we now realize that those decisions are to be made by her and her husband. The best we can do is let them know that we are available for consultation if requested.

 

Many of the conflicts in society are due to a lack of respect for others boundaries, beliefs, backgrounds, education and experiences. We must get better at Covey’s Habit #5, “Seek to Understand Before you Seek to be Understood.” My pastor refers to it as, “Taking a mental flight from your shoes to theirs.”

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Finally, we all learned the Golden Rule, “Do Unto Others as You Would Have Them Do Unto You.” In actuality, I agree with the wise person who said the Golden Rule better stated is, “Do Unto Others as They Would Like to Have Done to Them.”  This is the very essence of respecting the boundaries of others.  Always keep your Life in Balance!