​       As we move toward stronger Emotional health we may experience excitement. As we use the tools of emotional growth, we will become more confident in the strengthening of our Emotional skills. That excitement and confidence is exhilarating and can reinforce our efforts to persist, even in the face of inevitable hardships and disappointments! Emotional growth is a wonderful experience!

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       But, as we get caught up in the excitement of growing Emotional health, I wonder if our expectations can sometimes become too strong? Is it possible that, in our excitement, we might begin to hold expectations of perfect and unfaltering Emotional strength, only to become discouraged when we, for example, act on feelings of anxiety despite our resolution to practice calmness, or when we yell at our spouse or children despite our advances in anger management? As our self-expectations expand with our advancing Emotional strength, might we feel frustrated when we fall back on our resolutions?

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       The topic of this article for SPEM Health - "Growing Pains" alerts us to the likelihood that our movement toward health will not always be smooth. Furthermore, I wonder if some of the inevitable rocky times may even be a result of our maturing Emotional health. Is it possible we might become so attached to our expectations of steady Emotional strength that instead of accepting ourselves as imperfect humans, we develop "shoulds" regarding our Emotions? (I “should” be able to handle this upset better, or I “shouldn’t” be feeling so sad.) Thus, one type of growing pain might involve discouragement when we fail to meet our increased (maybe even unrealistic?) expectations for strong Emotional health. So, what can we do to address this type of growing pain?

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       We may want to start by questioning whether our expectations are unreasonable. Can we give ourselves a break, recognizing that Emotional growth involves inevitable ups and downs? Okay, yes, but then what? Well, there are many possible ideas, and one may be to simply think about our prior successes in Emotional growth. The ideas, attitudes, and strategies that have already resulted in greater Emotional well-being are likely to be strengths for us, strengths that we can now use to address any current frustration, disappointment, or other distressing Emotion. So if exercise, or spending time with friends, or spending time engaged in Spiritual devotion have been strengths for achieving Emotional growth, they will also be strengths for addressing Emotional growing pains, coping with setbacks, and getting over hurdles.

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       In addition, acceptance is crucial. Hurdles are to be expected and stumbling is normal (even if frustrating)! Often common in our paths of Emotional growth is a two-steps-forward and one-step-back kind of progression. When we reach an obstacle or we stumble on our path, we have a choice about how we respond. We can lament our one step back, which might keep us stuck in endless self-criticism and continued rehashing of the experience, OR ..... we can celebrate the fact that we are still one step ahead. And, in fact, if we can accept and then deal with the current stumbling block, the strengths we build when addressing this disappointment are likely to get us two more steps ahead, giving us some breathing room for the next time we stumble one step back.

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       So, self-acceptance can be an answer. But how can we reach such acceptance? Many people who have written about self-acceptance suggest that we start by thinking about what we would say to our friends when they have experienced some setback or perhaps made some mistake. Are we likely to offer some kindness to those friends? Will we encourage them to first accept their mistake or Emotional setback as part of being human, and then encourage them, when they are ready, to get back to the strengths that are associated with Emotional health for them? If such kindness, acceptance, and reminders of humanity are what we would offer our friends, don’t we deserve the same warmth and acceptance from ourselves? Such self-warmth is what  I  and others have called self-compassion. Self-compassion involves three components: 1) being kind to ourselves, 2) recognizing that we are connected to a whole world of people who experience Emotional setbacks and other forms of suffering, and 3) moving toward mindful acceptance of our experiences. In my book. "Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself,"  I explain the scientific research supporting the importance of self-compassion but that it also describes the nature of self-acceptance and offers exercises to experience stronger self-compassion. In addition, my website (www.self-compassion.org) provides access to guided exercises and free materials. And the good news is that there are many, many more of these types of resources. In fact, there are way too many to do a thorough list, so I’ll add just a couple. Christopher Germer has written the book The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion and provides guided meditations on his website (www.chrisgermer.com), and Tara Brach, in addition to having written books on acceptance, provides access on her website (www.tarabrach.com) to many meditations, including her weekly meditation classes, and multiple additional resources.

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       In closing, may we recognize that we are all human, that we all experience Emotional ups and downs, and that we are all deserving of kindness and compassion from others and from ourselves! And, may we help each other to achieve continued Emotional growth, and to weather Emotional growing pains, by offering compassion and by reminding each other of the importance of self-compassion!

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In Good SPEM health. . . always!

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Dr. Kim Weikel, Ph.D.

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